SOUDAN — Holidays can be stressful, and members of the Tower-Soudan Civic Club got a quick lesson about how personality types can create additional conflict during the holidays.
Jen McDonough is known locally as the owner of the Tower Café, as well as a volunteer fire fighter and EMT. But she is also a nationally known inspirational speaker who teaches tools for reducing stress to people in high-pressure, community-service-driven organizations.
While she admitted her work and volunteer life is often very busy and stressful, she said sometimes it’s relationships in her life that cause the most issues.
“I married my husband, Bob, 32 years ago,” she said, “and I was so happy thinking about spending the rest of my life with him. But over time, reality does hit home.”
“Some days, I would think, ‘Wow, is this the rest of my life?’”
“We need to learn to bring stress down on the relationship side of our lives,” she said. “We need to learn how to add space and grace in our lives.”
People have different innate personality styles, she said. And these different styles, while none is better than another, do create stress in relationships.
Personality types
McDonough gave members of the group a quick introduction to the DISC quiz, a personality styles quiz created in the 1950s based on the work of psychologist William Marston on emotional and behavioral theories, dating back to 1928. While the validity of this and other personality tests (like Meyers-Briggs) has been disputed, DISC remains widely used in business, coaching, and organizational development.
She told club members to picture themselves in a space where there is no stress, no responsibilities, and no financial challenges, and then to quickly answer the brief ten-question quiz.
The DISC survey rates people on four personality types, though most people are a combination of at least two or more, she said.
The dominant D type is strong-willed, confident, and firm. They enjoy challenges and like to take the lead. They are goal oriented. This personality type is the rarest, around three percent of the population, she said.
The influential I type is easily enthused by new situations and ideas. They are good communicators and enjoy working on a team. They are highly creative and outgoing but not necessarily very detail oriented. They are about 11 percent of the population.
The steady S type is helpful and likes to work on the sidelines. They appreciate harmony and stability, and don’t deal well with change but they are very loyal. This is the majority personality type, with about 69 percent.
The compliant C type is fact-oriented and aspires to perfection. They like to plan ahead and are even-tempered. They have high expectations of themselves and others. They are about 17 percent of the population.
Putting this into practice
Of course, she said, everyone is a blend of these styles, but the things a person values most is different for everyone.
“I am very high D,” she said, “and how I react and behave can make someone with a different personality type feel bad or stressed.”
McDonough used the example of how she used to yell out, asking her husband what he was wanted to eat for dinner. When he didn’t reply right away, she would get angry and just yelled louder.
“Finally, he would respond, saying, ‘I don’t know, whatever you want.’”
“If I knew then what I know now,” she said, “I would know he was putting my needs first.”
People who quickly process information are ready to respond within a second or two, she said, but others can take as long as seven seconds. She is a fast processor, while her husband was the opposite.
“Let people know you heard them and that you need time to think,” she said. “Ask for that space and grace.”
She then counted out seven seconds, noting how long that seemed to her, but adding that was how long many people needed to process the information and respond.
For fast processors, she said, “take that step back, take a breath.”
And then, most importantly, she said, ask yourself “Is it them or is it me?”
“What is your real goal here? What is your mission?” she asked, adding sometimes it is OK not to interact with someone who is making your life stressful.
In general, she said, D and I types are fast thinkers, and S and C types need more time to process information.
Those with the I type love surprises, she said, so when they try to surprise others, it is for respect. But others are uncomfortable with surprises.
Some people are task-driven, and others are people driven.
“I might want to get my work done,” she said, “while someone else just wants to tell me everything that happened to them over the weekend.”
Task-driven people love their checklists, she said, but others find lists very stressful.
People who think inwardly need quiet, while someone who verbally processes things won’t stop talking.
“Inward thinkers are thinking, ‘Why don’t you shut up?’” she said, “and verbal processors are thinking, ‘Why don’t you say anything?’”
Figuring out someone’s personality style can help you find their strengths and then look at the motivations of why people do things the way they do.
“Step back, take a breath,” she repeated. “Is it them or is it me?”
If it’s them, maybe they are an idiot, but maybe it is you!”
You can learn more about Jen McDonough and her life story, challenges, and accomplishments on her website, theironjen.com/.