Betty Firth

You know that kid who was always looking out the window at school, daydreaming, startled by the teacher’s suggestion that perhaps they should be paying attention, as if it was an unexpected request? There was always one of or two of them, and sometimes the whole class. Maybe it was you.
People would observe, “Bob (or Susie) is just in a world of their own.” We know adults like that, too: “Earth to Bob, Earth to Susie.” As their minds wander, maybe they’re writing a poem or inventing a way to keep the garden hose from crimping, or maybe they are just tired of the inane conversations around them. They’re actually not oddballs, just a bit out of the loop of social niceties, for each of us does live in our own little universe of which we are the epicenter. The Bobs and Susies of this world are just more obvious, less hypocritical; they’re not as good at putting on “the face” that seems to be paying attention but is, in reality, a mask. They either don’t know how or don’t want to wear the mask that covers up their thoughts or feelings.
In my mid-20s, I had the good fortune to take an art education class with an excellent professor. I stayed after class one day to share my appreciation of her creative and enthusiastic approach, which gave us the opportunity to work playfully with a variety of artistic media while learning teaching strategies. She told me that she was thinking of returning to teach in elementary school, and I wondered why. She said, “It’s just really hard to look out at all those fish faces every day.” I knew exactly what she meant: my oh-so-young classmates hadn’t a clue that they were privileged to have such an excellent, dynamic teacher. “This is so lame,” they would say of the required class. “Why doesn’t she just tell us what to do?” It did not bode well for their future success teaching youngsters eager to try new things.
That ennui has to be learned. Newborns slide out from their watery home into a new, startling environment. They may appear stunned or just unfocused initially, but very soon they will be noticing and mirroring those faces and sounds around them, which, hopefully, are warm and caring, loving them up. When they’re hungry or wet or have a diaper pin sticking into them, their faces twist up in tears or rage, and they bawl. No masks there. When a toddler is learning how to navigate the world and wanting more control than she has, she may shout,“Me do it!” stomping her foot, with her whole body showing her frustration. No mask there.
The mask has to be learned; when, how, and to what degree that happens depends on the family, the circumstances, and the culture that the child has landed in. Are the children loved and supported, accepted as the unique beings they are, or are they controlled, criticized, and shamed? Are they respected and encouraged to explore and express themselves or punished for speaking up or making mistakes? Are the adults in their sphere mature and balanced, or are they masking-up a lot of the time, models of emotional hypocrisy, which children, even babies, can sense and distrust.
Individuation begins at six to seven months. Babies start to figure out that those arms and feet waving around actually belong to them; that they are their own little person, separate from their caregivers and those other people floating in and out. They gradually begin to develop their definition and understanding of who they are, and what they need and want, a lifelong pursuit.
Given a consistent, loving, supportive environment, a few good genes, and some luck, the child will learn self-confidence, compassion and empathy along the way. She will gain perspective that others view and value things differently. He will learn how to cooperate and get along with others. Still, as humans, we remain self-centered, me-centric, as we develop our internal universe from our own unique perspective.
Perhaps that’s part of our ancient wiring for survival purposes. You might be thinking, “Wait a minute! I know people who are good to the bone, selflessly giving boundless energy to their friends, family, and community.” Yes, we all know people like that, and most of us can feel empathetic and supportive at times, responding with generosity. If that is what makes us feel good about ourselves and gives our life meaning, isn’t it also an ego-satisfying behavior? I would say ‘yes,’ but certainly preferred to the seeming lack of connection to other humans that is being exhibited in our world and our government these days.
Some ancient survival strategies may be thinly veiled under of layers of so-called sophistication, ready to explode when disturbed. Territoriality, protecting resources, and defending space, family, and tribe can surface pretty quickly…just let the neighbor put up an ugly fence on a questionable property line or insult our children.
However, cooperation and mutual support are also survival techniques. If you couldn’t help and get along with others, you might just get kicked out of the cave and the clan, not very well-equipped to fend off saber-toothed tigers on your own.
As I wonder how we evolve as individuals and as a species, I must ask what has gone so severely wrong in the lives, the minds, psyches, and hearts of those who seem to be completely self-serving? Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and their cadre of sycophants do not appear to have one drop of humanity in their universe. What has occurred in their genetics and experiences that would deaden their souls, leaving them willing to suck the lifeblood out of our democracy, to steal from the American citizenry and target the most vulnerable in the nation? What emptiness would allow them to feel it’s okay to deny health care to anyone while they themselves have premium coverage? What devastating vacuum drives their voracious greed for money and power, never to feel they have enough? How can they be so detached from the living, breathing planet we live on that they deny the damage incurred and encourage more, refusing to protect the ecosystems that are essential for the survival of their own progeny? How deplorable it would be to live in their universes.
Come join your friends and neighbors and millions across the country on Saturday, June 14 for NO KINGS Day to let them know that they need to change direction, to say ENOUGH! Demonstrations will be happening in Ely (11:00-1:00, Whiteside Park), Virginia, Chisholm, Cloquet, Brainerd, Bemidji, Grand Rapids, Two Harbors, Duluth, Superior (Wis.) and many more. Go to mobilize.us for details and more events.