Through stress of the holiday, find time for gratitude

With the holiday season upon us, we may have Norman Rockwell images of family and friends gathered around a table laden with delicious food prepared with love, everyone smiling, offering prayers of thanks, politely or boisterously enjoying the scrumptious offerings and each other’s company.

The reality we actually experience may be a tad different as people travel distances to get to those tables, sometimes in harrowing weather conditions and heavy traffic, running behind time because the oven quit working mid-turkey, the homemade cranberry sauce boiled over or the cook discovered she or he was missing an essential ingredient for the traditional stuffing about ten minutes before the grocery stores were closing. With food crises averted or solved, the people issues may arise as a balky teenager whines about having to go with the family rather than meeting friends for the latest zombie movie, the baby starts throwing up or everyone dreads silently (or not so silently) having to spend a few hours with Uncle Thrackmorton who is critical, contentious and smells less than lovely. He’s the one who will bring up every imagined slight from the last four decades and is sure to tell the embarrassing story about when the teenager (who doesn’t want to be there) was nine and decided to help out by feeding the dog some turkey which unfortunately included a few bones which got stuck in the dog’s throat, requiring a trip to the emergency vet clinic which cost $200.

So, it’s the perfect time to generate a dose of gratitude, reminding ourselves what this season is really about, giving thanks for a successful harvest, the opportunity to get together with people we care about and the abundance of blessings in our lives.

My favorite holidays have often been spent with people who are unrelated and are choosing to be together, contributing their favorite dishes and sharing stories the others haven’t heard before, getting to know each other better. Someone once told me that they learned early on that it was helpful to invite non-family members to their holiday gatherings because everybody behaved better. I’ve hosted and attended Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with a collection of “orphans” who are short on family, live a great distance from them or would just rather not be with them, having experienced too many obligatory holiday get-togethers full of tension, bickering and a general atmosphere of non-connection. At our “family of choice” events there has always been an atmosphere of gratitude and joy as we were all appreciative of the company, sometimes making music together or playing games.

One friend of mine was dreading making the 200-mile journey with her husband and sons for Thanksgiving with her mom and the stepfather who had abused her when she was a teenager. Over the years she had spent many hours in therapy to heal her wounds and find forgiveness, but having to visit and create a pleasant environment for her children brought back the trauma that had never been acknowledged by either parent. Horrified by the picture this gentle woman painted of living through many holidays with the “elephant in the living room”, I said, “Just don’t go.” She turned to me, her eyes opening wide in surprised enlightenment; she said, “It never occurred to me that I could do that.” As it turned out, she and her family decided to stay home and have their own celebration, sharing their day full of love, laughter and good food with friends.

We have all experienced some level of tension, irritation or worse mixed in with thoughtful, caring times with our loved ones. They are the ones who know us the best, as we know them, and we know each other’s talents and gifts as well as our weak points and hot buttons that can be pushed quite effectively. When we come together, there can arise the tendency to revert to old patterns, playing out family roles, well-developed and rehearsed during the years when everyone was less mature.

These folks are often our best and hardest teachers, helping us learn to forgive and accept, be compassionate and patient; to remember and focus on each other’s good qualities as we all attempt to be the best people we can in the moment.

In recent years there has been quite a bit written and TED-talked about the benefits of practicing gratitude such as keeping a gratitude journal or writing thank you notes regularly to people in our lives. I met a man who has a very difficult job, witnessing for peace and justice in some of the most difficult places on our planet that are fraught with hatred, racism and human rights abuses, and he was one of most serene people I’ve ever met. I asked him how he did it. He said that each morning he read some inspiring literature, choosing from all the great spiritual traditions. He meditated. He turned over all his concerns, large and small, to God and he made a list of ten things he’s grateful for. Although I think I am often consciously grateful for many things in my life, when I have taken the time to write a gratitude list each morning, I have often found it difficult to stop at ten, and I have experienced the deepening of my awareness of the beauty around me and the blessings in my life. It is a wonderful way to start the day.

I have been reading a book called “Blessing, The Art and the Practice” by David Spangler, which I recommend if you would like to deepen this practice in your life. The author was once co-director of the Findhorn spiritual community in Scotland, has written many books including Emergence: The Rebirth of the Sacred and co-authored “Reimagination of the World” with William Irwin Thompson. He has been lecturing and teaching since the 1970s. He encourages us to practice the art of blessing, both sacred and ordinary, as a way to channel our natural sense of compassion, our desire to do good. He does not call himself a spiritual teacher although others do. He says that he feels “each of us has an indwelling spirit­—a unique and personal connection with the sacred—which is our true spiritual teacher.” He helps people identify and connect with that spiritual side of themselves, supporting them in learning to listen to it and embody it in their lives. He says, “…a blessing is the natural expression of the fiery love and inclusiveness of our inner spirit” and is not just the prerogative of rabbis, priests or ministers but is a natural human ability. We’re hard-wired for it. We just need to practice.

So, have fun trying it out with your beloveds, the easy ones and the cranky uncles. Many blessings to you and have a wonderful season of giving thanks.